508: I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
506: All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
406: I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
631: ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
917: And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
864: no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
206: I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
240: He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
978: Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
206: I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
703: Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
773: After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.