Dear Uncle Jesse: Why are you still so hot???

You were a stud when I was 6 and for some reason you still are. That super model ex wife of yours was a damn idiot to leave you, especially for (barf) Jerry O'Connell. But what's this about some couple trying to extort $680,000 from you by threatening to sell compromising photos??? I heard their attorneys claimed that you had intimate relations with a 17 year old, and that she had taken photos with you, strippers and cocaine!!! Don't worry Uncle Jesse Biz and Liz believe you.