Dear Britney:

It's been over 4 freaking years since you shaved your head, why in the world are you still rocking the nasty weave? It is doing you NO justice! I read online you are supposed to get a new weave every 8 weeks... not months! What are you trying to hide in there, and better yet who are you trying to fool? Sorry Brit, but that shit is nasty. Take it out and go eat some cheese grits.

Dear Liz: I wanted this to be your birthday gift, but it's not out till September.

Dear "Funny" T-shirt companies...

I don't really care what your aim is. Maybe you're trying to be ironic. Maybe your trying to find a pop culture reference so obscure even the movie masters Biz and Liz don't know it. Maybe you're trying to get girls to appreciate your "subtle T-shirt humor."

Well it doesn't matter, you are the stupidest excuse for a company I have ever heard of. Hey Bizo, I've got an idea, why don't we bottle air and sell it to the dumb asses that buy these stupid shirts.

I mean, everyone needs clothes, so these people are paying crazy bucks to wear the stupidest clothes, so we might as well sell them the stupidest way possible to breathe too, right?

Word to the wise, T-shirt companies, the only way I will ever purchase a shirt from one of your websites, is if you all hang yourselves, take a picture of it, and put it on a shirt.

Love,
Liz

My kind of hair salon!

Why the world loves Sandra Bullock more than Megan Fox

Is it wrong to think this suit would make my life way better?

It comes in tons of colors and is only $50 bucks. If anyone else wants one, we can order in bulk and the price goes down! Let me know!

LIZ WE NEED TO START JUMPING ROPE!!!!! ASAP!!!!

Dear Uncle Jesse: Why are you still so hot???

You were a stud when I was 6 and for some reason you still are. That super model ex wife of yours was a damn idiot to leave you, especially for (barf) Jerry O'Connell. But what's this about some couple trying to extort $680,000 from you by threatening to sell compromising photos??? I heard their attorneys claimed that you had intimate relations with a 17 year old, and that she had taken photos with you, strippers and cocaine!!! Don't worry Uncle Jesse Biz and Liz believe you.

I don't like dogs, but it's an entirely different story when they're in costume

The daily nail blog.. Bookmark it bitches!

Look at this tiny little house

It's for sale and is 300 square feet. I kind of want it. Too bad it's in Canada and I don't like Canadians.

I don't like baking, but how cute is this apron?

I can't wait for Halloween so I can make these!

Jason's theme song

Patton Oswalt: comedic genius!

"I’m never going to try heroin. I hate needles. I hate feeling sleepy and smug at the same time. And finally, I’ve never seen it depicted well in movies.

Heroin addicts always end up unwittingly killing a friend or having a gangrenous limb hacked off or being raped in prison while simultaneously jonesing or dying or becoming shitty poets.

According to the movies, other drugs are much better. Pot smokers are giggly and fun. No one takes ecstasy unless by accident, and usually right before a big holiday family dinner. Cocaine usually leads to jail, but it leads to cool jail. The journey to cocaine incarceration involves trim, tense torsos, car chases, wild sex, and then an attractive, brooding stance of regret as you look back on it all and smile ruefully.

And drunks! Where do I start? There’s a bar somewhere with Arthur Bach, Hawkeye and Trapper John, Foster Brooks, and Otis the Town Drunk all singing “Working for the Weekend” while Nick and Nora Charles make out in a booth.

But heroin is dimly lit hotel rooms, haggard girlfriends, and an atonal soundtrack. Before getting hooked, or even shooting it once, I’d need to see it depicted in a movie like Sideways, where two lovable, cuddly heroin addicts—middle-aged in that sitcom-y kinda sheepish smile way that middle age is depicted in movies—do a jaunty tour of Alphabet City, sampling a weekend’s worth of dope before one of them gets married.

“Oh, this is hitting me just right. I feel—there’s some strychnine, but underneath there’s a loamy bass note of autumnal Afghanistan poppy fields, and… and… there it is!… a flutter of tangy stomach acid from where they cut the baggie out of the mule’s belly after they chloroformed her in a Super 8 Motel in Hoboken.”

Then our two heroes get mistaken for extras in a zombie movie shooting nearby and end up at the director’s penthouse, where one of them steals a reel of dailies and sells it for another fix. Soon they’re being chased through the city by a born-again Christian P.A. from the movie. And to add to the hassle, they pick up a teenage runaway whom one of the dudes lusts after, while the other one is gently reminded of his daughter who no longer speaks to him because he offered to blow her prom date to get $75 for a skin popper.

But that’s just the beginning of the shenanigans! Twenty-nine wrecked cop cars, a musical dream sequence set to Billy Squier’s “In the Dark,” a return-from-the-dead OD jump-up-and-gasp scene, and one love-crazed moose later, our two heroes have got to somehow buy back the reel of dailies, jury-rig a wedding between the runaway and the Christian P.A., and win a Transcendental Meditation contest.

It’s called Spikin’. I’ve already sold it to New Line, so hands off."

It's a can, it's a sandwich, IT'S A CANDWICH!

Forever 21 Launches Maternity Line In States With High Teen Pregnancy Rates

Forever 21 is launching a new maternity line, love21maternity, in Utah, Alaska, Arizona, California, and Texas. The last three states just happen to have some of the highest percentages of teen pregnancy in the country. Maybe that’s just a coincidence, though?

Dear Ellery: I think unicorns are cool too! Love Biz

Dear Guy,

I HATE YOU!!!! Although I am sure your palette is one of the best and you know the best onion rings from the horrible rings, I still think you are a tool. Oh my god, wait, your thumb ring has magical powers! It must make your viewers think that by watching you that you can cure them from cancer. Guess what, you can't! You are dumb and nobody likes you! Why don't you go recap the ten seconds I just saw from the clip from minute to win it!

Love Liz

So true

So, not only did my ex start dating my doppelganger, but she got the tattoo HE drew for ME! Hilarious!!!

40 things I hate

1. The word ballsack.
2.Guys with big muscles.
3.LOL Cats!
4.The pineapple express, the fact that I do not smoke weed does not hinder my abilities to laugh. That movie is not funny.
5.Men that wear kilts.
6.Mafia wars, Famville, and any other stupid facebook game that posts a million things on my page everey day. I'm aware, I can chose to ignore these posts, but why are you playing this dumb crap in the first place?
7.Inside out socks. *shivers
8.Sea Food. It's not because I have never tried your mom's salmon, it's because I just do not like fish. period.
9.The fact that is always way more cheese and meat then there is crackers in a party tray.
10.Sunglasses at night, especially in a bar.
11.When people apologize after I tell them I am from Everett
12.The letter F in cursive.
13.Brown girls with blond hair
14.When a song plays and everyone but me knows every word.
15.When I hang out with my mom and we are both in a shitty mood.
16.Techno, house, bass bumping, rave music. And usually the people who listen to it.
17.Cartoon network. If cartoon are for kids, then this channel is doing it all wrong. Cartoons directed towards adults are not funny, fun, or aesthetically appealing to watch.
18.Shaking hands with people who look dirty. No, it's not nice to meet you, now can you please excuse me so I can rush to the restroom to wash your germs off my hand.
19.The anxiety I feel when friends are frivolous with my board game stationary. Are you gonna buy me more paper slips when I run out of them for my Game of Things???
20.People who brush their teeth in the shower.
21.When I hear the beginning of a song I like on the radio, then it goes to commercial.
22.Small talk with strangers.
23.Madonna. See blog post from 08/29/09.
24.Farts that stink... really bad.
25.When my damn DVR records something for 8 hours!! I did request Hell's Kitchen to record but not the additional 7 hours after it. GRRRRR.
26.Candice.
27.People who shop way to close to me. (usually Asian people)
28.Underwear sold in thrift stores
29.Spam. Shitty email, and a shitty meat product.
30.Mustard.
31.When anyone tells me to calm down while I am upset.
32.People who try to hard to be cool and different.
33.When people ask "why?" when I state that I have a PC. What the hell does it matter? It's still a computer, right?
34.Finding a good parking spot, only to find that is actually occupied by a motor cycle or tiny car.
35.My ex boyfriend. All of them.
36.When people tag me in a photo and I look disgusting.
37.When the button flies off my favorite jeans.
38.Christmas music. Sorry mom.
39. Women who look skinnier after having a baby. really?
40.Jeans with no back pockets.

Purple sugar water

Lady Gaga dressed like a man for Vogue

Hey Britney: You're still ugly

The dangers of henna tatooing

A five-year-old boy from Queensland, Australia was left with a large, intricately detailed, dragon-shaped scar after a henna tattoo he received in Bali left him with a chemical burn. His parents fear that he may be scarred for life.

Cannon Cribb received the henna tattoo while he was holidaying with his parents in Bali, Indonesia. The “henna” actually contained para-phenylenediamine, but no reaction was noticed until the henna wore off, leaving a large welt in the shape of the oriental dragon that he had been tattooed with.

Who designed this?

They should get a raise. (HaHa)

Umm, no thank you...

I feel like I am fairly up on the trends and I am sad to say my cousin actually owns a pair of these, but there is no way I would ever be caught in these things.

(Unless Christian Louboutin got a hold of them, slapped some red paint on the bottom and said they were amazing)

Dear Danielle...

Now I realize that not everyone is into the Real Housewives of New Jersey. And to those people I say, you're missing out on what could possibly be the biggest train-wreck of a woman that has ever existed! Watch it people, buy it on DVD, download it illegally if you must, but you need to get in on this!

To Danielle:

Danielle, the moment I sit down to watch another episode of Real Housewives, I am absolutely positive that you can not get any crazier, and every time the hour show is over, I sit and stare at the TV trying to figure out if what I just saw really happened.

Yes it did just happen. Let me give you some advice Danielle, in case you find this blog during your daily narcissistic Google search of yourself.

Getting upset and screaming "NEVER CALL ME CRAZY" at someone after they call you crazy, means you are crazy.

Talking to your priest in hopes that he will gossip with you about the people you hate, probably not the best idea.

You do not need a bodyguard to go to the grocery store or dentist. Actually you don't need a body guard period! You aren't that famous and nobody is going to harm you. If you feel like having an entourage with you, hire the bodyguard to protect other people from your craziness.

If you aren't an EX crackhead, prostitute, child kidnapping, whore, then how do you know so many "EX" cons?

Just when I think that there is no way my heart can get any colder towards you, it does. How can you not realize how insane you are. I know when I am behaving irrationally, and I will even admit it from time to time, but you actually have no clue that you are psychotic, do you?

With that being said, although I can't stand you and the world would be a better place without you in it, I am go glad that I get to watch you on Monday night, talk about you're off-the-wall antics on Tuesday though Sunday and then watch you again.

Love Liz