I have so many jokes here, but my mom reads this blog!

What if she turned before the last part?

Found this little gem at the restaurant by my work!

Is it wrong for my son to love the swifer sweeper this much?

Scotch Mega Egg

10 reasons why she dumped you

1. You’re Bad in Bed. It can’t be true! She never said anything like that! Yeah, well, women do that. Maybe she tried to school you. Maybe it was her, not you. Maybe you just weren’t sexually compatible. To spare your ego, she never told you. But that’s why she walked out on you. Next time, do not try the helicopter without asking first.

2. It Got Boring. People are always talking about how men like new things, new experiences, new partners. Well, they’re not alone. Women have a secret side that’s like a lone female wolf, and if things get too steady, if you start taking her for granted, it’s possible that she went looking for thrills elsewhere, and elsewhere is where she’ll stay.

3. You’re a Jerk. You think you’re “funny,” but she didn’t think that crack you made about her weight was hilarious. You weren’t that nice to her parents, you eat with your mouth open, and when you get drunk with your buddies, you turn into a total pig. She knows you’re a nice guy underneath it all, but there was too much BS in the way to make it worth it.

4. You Weren’t Getting Anywhere. Here are some qualities women like in men: ambitious, driven, goal-oriented. It’s OK if you hit a slump, but if your career hit the skids, and, oh, a year later you aren’t able to bounce back, there’s going to be trouble in this love valley. It’s not what you do, or how much you make, but women dig a man who makes the most of who he is.

5. You’re Commitment-Phobic. Couldn’t get monogamous? Wouldn’t move in together? Can’t find the balls to propose? Women seek out security and stability, and there comes a time in every relationship when it’s either, er, do your business or get off the pot. If you couldn’t take things to the next level, you’ve only got yourself to blame for the fact that she walked out the door.

6. She’s Just Not That into You. Hey, we’re not the only ones out there who someone just isn’t that into! Whether the spark died, she wasn’t that into you in the first place but it took her a while to realize it, or she got in a mood, a permanent mood, she may have split because she wasn’t feeling it. Go find someone else who is so into you.

7. A Dealbreaker Secret. Sometimes, women hold things back. They don’t disclose everything. They’ve got a secret in their past. She used to be a stripper. She had an abortion. She never got over her ex. For some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to tell you. For her, that’s what stands between you two, and, unable to share who she really is with you, she went in search of someone else to whom she could reveal her true self.

8. She Met Someone Else. Yeah, it happens, and if he did what a man is supposed to do better than you, in her opinion, she looks at it as trading up. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

9. You Let Yourself Go. If a guy leaves a girl because she “let herself go,” everyone gets offended. But it’s possible that if you let yourself go, she left you because of it. If she was going to the gym five days a week, and your idea of a workout is lifting the beer from the table to your mouth, it’s possible that, um, your exercise routines were the problem.

10. You Cheated. You slipped once. It happens! You came clean. She forgave you. You even went to couples therapy together. Eventually, you moved beyond it. But ... did she? Women never forget anything, and it may be that she was never able to get over it. What can you do? Move on. Try again. Do better next time. You learned something, right?

Found this on sketchysanta.com

Email from my Mama

Things to Ponder...
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is GREAT need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least KIND OF tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Mom what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

We could start a new blog called Gross pictures of Lindsey Lohan

I finally watched the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving from my DVR finally

The Hoff, hospitalized!

His reps say it was due to a "drug reaction." Um, right.... drink up David! Why don't you go eat a cheeseburger or something!

You know what, it's not a drug reaction, it's a Christmas miracle!

Um, I google searched "old black people" and this came up?

Maybe I would google search you, Amy Winehouse, if you got your teeth fixed!

I think my boyfriend watches this before he gets dressed

Jay's Toy Doppelganger

Pregnancy Wedding Dress Looks Good

I love bunk beds

Damn, I want this thing!

I'd like to see some Canadian kids try to out do this!

Dear Black Lady, Do more stuff like this.

We like it.

"Are You A Candelabra?"

"I don't want to see another candelabra in my lifetime."

Its gonna be good!!!

VH1 has once again partnered with Dr. Drew Pinsky for a third season of the hit reality series Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The series, consisting of eight one-hour episodes, is slated to premiere in early 2010.

Similar to the first two cycles, the third season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew will follow the real-life experiences of celebrity patients undergoing detoxification and treatment at the Pasadena Recovery Center. The show will follow Mackenzie Phillips (One Day At A Time), Heidi Fleiss, Dennis Rodman, Mindy McCready (country music singer), Lisa D’Amato (America’s Next Top Model), Mike Starr (Alice in Chains), Kari Ann Peniche (ex-Miss United States Teen) Joey Kovar (Real World Hollywood), and Tom Sizemore.

why you should never add your boss on facebook

Fruit Shaped Fruit Juice Boxes

Divorce Cakes

Why didn't I get one of these?? I think I deserved one after my marriage!! shiiiit.

Banana Shoes

I ate a banana for breakfast, so obviously I google searched banana stuff while munchin away.

Dear Mariah Carey, No One Is Obsessed With You!

Dear 50 year old, I know you have a handsome young husband, but that doesn't make you any cooler! It just makes you look desperate and lonely! Stop trying to drag other peoples lives into your own stupid one! I hate you and so does everyone else. I hate to have to say it (and I never, ever thought I would) but I guess it is necessary, TEAM EMINEM! TEAM EMINEM!

The new trend?

Telephone cord wigs? Lets get this idea before anyone else does. It is bound to catch on soon, right?

One man's trash...

Introducing... The Slanket?

Snuggle up in a Slanket and keep toasty warm from top to toe!

The Slanket is gigantic fleece blanket for people who want to keep warm and their hands free. Curling up under a blanket will keep you warm but if you want to read, channel surf or even just sip a mug of tea, your arms will get cold. Not any more. The Slanket's cleverly designed built in sleeves will keep you covered up and you're arms warm whenever you need to reach for the remote or turn a page.

Specifically designed to keep your entire body covered and cosy while leaving your hands free, the Slanket is simple yet brilliant and an absolute must have for those chilly winter evenings in.

The Slanket is a great alternative to turning up the central heating for an evening in, just grab a Slanket for toasty warm relaxation.

Because of its generous dimensions, one Slanket size really does fit all, and the incredibly soft and fluffy Polyester Microfibre is machine washable so it's easy to take care of.

I love science!!!

How the hell did I never know if you soak a Gummi bear in water overnight they grow!! Liz I bet your dad knew.

Pill Fashion...

Yes, these are real and for sale on the internet!!!
This is the item description: Yes, here’s some vicodin earrings for emergencies. (Just rip them off your earrings when you need to get a little wheezy.)
Liz, maybe you need these I know how often your hurting yourself :)

Lego kitchen table

I dont think I could make this, but I sure want it.

Tim Burton's Magical Fashion

Tim Burton's Magical Fashion

In anticipation of his retrospective at New York's Museum of Modern Art, filmmaker Tim Burton reimagines the season's dark delights. Photographs by Tim Walker.

Amazing last minute costume ideas for Bizo

Okay, this could go great or horribly wrong...

So, if I go as Lilu Dallas for Halloween lets start preparing now because I will kill myself if I show up to trivia looking like mess in the 2nd picture... The first picture is okay though... I better start vomiting after all my meals starting today through Halloween.

How far south do I have to go to get my nails done like this?

I want this table

Speaking of tables, Liz, did I tell you about Carolyn's friend who borrowed (and by borrowed I mean stole) my dining room table and is being a dick about giving it back??? Call me when you read this.

Junk Dunks

Gabriel Dishaw is an artist who works primarily in the medium of junk. Like rusty metal sprockets and nuts and bolts. And among other sculptures, he creates shoes with these things.

Oh Myspace, you never cease to amaze me!

I used to work with her...

Glad I don't anymore!

I didn't know dinosaurs could rap...

Dear Anonymous:

This message was left by "anonymous" in reference to our post about tongue rings...

I think that pople that think that pierced tounges looks dumb, needs to shut up!!! I have a tounge ring and i didnt do it to piss my mom off i did it cause i wanted to. Its my body and i will do with it wat i want and the Gay comment was retarded an wishing pople who have them dead jus shows you need to lay off the vodka
rOCK OUT WITH YOUR rINGS OUT

Well, Miss Anonymous, if that is your real name, I am glad you saw our post as it is people like you we were referring to. First of all, I know that having a tongue ring can impair your speech, but I had no clue it could impair your typing ability. I don't really care WHY your tongue is pierced, Biz and I just wanted to let you know, that it is high time you took that sucker out! And as for the vodka remark, I prefer rum thank you very much!

Sincerely,

Biz and Liz

drunky tries to buy more beer